First Love

"It makes no sense but this is grace. I know You're with me in this place... Still my heart. Let Your voice be all I hear now." -Here Now (Hillsong United)

There have been a handful of times when someone spoke something over my life that completely shifted my perspective. This was one of those times...

Every week I get together with a group of ladies from my church and we talk about life. It's raw, honest and it has added so much to my life. We laugh, sometimes we cry and most of all we listen. We listen to each others struggles, frustrations, and greatest joys. Of the group I tend to be the most, we'll call it "unfiltered". I say what I'm thinking and its usually not very thought through. I love that I have a place where I can openly talk about anything without feeling judged.

This particular night I was ranting about a guy I had been seeing, it did not end well. One of the ladies that has given me so much valuable insight looked at me and said, "Jess, God is not going to wake-up your Adam until He's done creating you." Her words stopped me mid-sentence and I began to think about the details of her statement.

There is a reason God put Adam to sleep when He created Eve. I was given a mental picture of God in the garden with a newly created Eve. Adam is still asleep and she is sitting with her Father. We aren't told how long they were together, just the two of them, but I like to think it was a while. I imagine her walking with God as He whispered to her how much He loved her. He spoke words of life over her, revealing her identity and how much He valued her. Telling her she was beautiful, smart, creative, strong, and perfect in every way. She was secure in herself and complete in the presence of her Father. Only when God was satisfied that she knew exactly who she was did He allow her to meet Adam. He knew that Adam would make her life so full and dynamic, but only if she first knew her identity in her Creator. Had Eve woken to Adam as her first love she would have found her purpose and worth in him instead of God. 

The first year after making the decision to give my heart to God was a complete shift from allowing men to define me to letting God. I can't lie, it was hard. So hard. My initial response was always to look for that affirmation in guys, it was easy for me and it was instant gratification. At first the words of men were enough, but it didn't last long. It was a hunger that needed more and more to be satisfied. I began doing things I swore I never would only to be left empty and still unsatisfied. I kickstarted my journey by cutting out the guys I reached out to only to meet my physical and emotional needs. That was a good start, but it took time and building trust before I consistently chose to seek God instead of man. I messed it up, a lot. I fell short, a lot. What I found on those nights that brought me to my knees was the whisper of a God who continued to fill me with His words of love and worth. I spent time with God, just Him and I. I listened as He spoke and spent more nights than I can count just soaking in His presence. I needed that time because without it not even the perfect man could heal what was broken inside me. I still screw it up sometimes, but at the end of the day my identity is rooted in my Father. 

Beautiful, use this time to cultivate an intimate relationship with the One who created you. There is so much He wants to whisper to your heart. So many dreams He wants to speak to. So much more than you could ever imagine. 

"Tell me how You see me."

"Show me who You created me to be."

These are the prayers He wants to answer, He longs to spend time with us. He loved us before we even knew what love was. In Him we find everything we have been searching for and the things we didn't even know we needed. Allow yourself to come back to the One who was always meant to be your first love.