7.27.18

"May love find you.

even.

when you are specifically. strategically.

hiding from it."

- Nayyirah Waheed

This poem has been at the forefront of my mind lately. Its simplicity, its complexity, its relevance.

I was talking to a friend a few months ago, a handful of vodka sodas deep, and a heart full of memories later a topic developed. I'm not entirely sure how it was brought up, but the question will be one that always takes me back.

"Were you looking for God when you found him."

It was an easy answer.."Hell no! I was running. He found me."

Our conversation didn't go much further than that, but my thoughts did. I started thinking back to where God found me, how He found me, and the impact that moment had on my life.

There was a very profound time in my life that I believed, if there is a God I have no place in His story. I didn't believe that God was interested in the one.

The one that was looking for more.
The one that was lost in shame.
The one that believed they were too far gone.

Until He put someone in my way.

It was an, "excuse me I'm living here and I don't need your input" moment. Except I was stumbling all over the place, and I definitely needed someone's input.

I don't remember a lot about that day except that it was a Sunday, and there was free food. Oh, and there was a woman that asked me if I wanted to get coffee sometime. I was tricked by the tattoo on her arm and her unfiltered personalty, but I would soon discover that she was put in my path by something bigger.

I had grown up in an environment that encouraged religion. I wasn't interested in religion. I had seen too many people that I loved hurt, and heard too many sermons laced with hate.

But I had encountered a love that was wrapped in the name of God. In trying to reconcile a God that was love and a religion marked by those I had only seen hate, I decided to throw out everything I had known.

If I believed this God thing was real I needed to believe that I could speak and He would hear me. I wanted the opportunity to know God for who He was apart from the church I had been so turned off by. In the months to follow I started to discover a God that was not bound by the four walls of a building. Anymore, church is not where I go to find God. When I find one that promotes love, and truth I go to church to meet people. Community saved my life, and I believe that it is vital to having a healthy life.

We are living in a world full of so much hurt right now. Every time I look at the news I see stories of hate fueled murders, countless suicides, and people attempting to numb their pain. It breaks my heart to see people who claim to have a relationship with God set fire to the people that he so desperately loves.

I will make it simple, because it seems like there is a lot of confusion around this next topic. If someone is living a life that perpetuates hate, and makes those around them feel less because of what they have done or who they are... that person does not know the God that I do. They may claim to have some sort of religion they hold to, but it is not one that I am even remotely interested in knowing about. And if you have been a victim of this kind of person, I am so sorry that you have had such an experience. It is inexcusable and there is no justifying it. 

I am so glad that the God I know and love found me when I was living my worst life. I am still a mess in a lot of ways, and still he chooses to meet me where I am every single time. I am grateful for those who also know this God, and have relentlessly shown me what real love looks like. I have my moments, but it is my goal to become the kind of person that lives this way.