11.10.19

11.10.19

I was in the shower the other day, where all of my greatest revelations occur, and I was talking to God about the things I wanted in life. I was running through all of the things I needed to change and the things that I wanted more of. As I was standing there, minding my own business, I felt God pose a question. I think this happens so often in the shower because he knows I’m trapped and I have nowhere to run. They usually go something like, “what made you think that was a good idea?” Or, “did you actually say that out loud?” This time it was more pointed, “So, what’s holding you back from doing all this?”

Sometimes I feel like I have two sides to me. There are so many things that I want in one moment and then not so much in the next. There is the side that wants what God wants. I want to give it all and do it all. Then there is the side that wants what I want. I always want to please Him, just some days… minutes, more than others. I am constantly getting in my way, but I think that’s part of the story. I was reminded of Paul’s words and I just love how he starts because I feel like I use the, “what is wrong with me?” line almost daily:

I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time… I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? 

Thank you Paul, for letting me know that I’m not alone in feeling like I'm on the fast track to hell. 

You can almost feel the desperation in his words. Someone, anyone, please help me. Something is wrong with me deep down. 

I on my own do not want to do what is good. I want to do what feels good, and what looks good. Even after all these years of realizing that it will only leave me empty, it still pulls me. 

Thankfully, Paul doesn’t leave us hanging he goes on to say that this is the reason we need Jesus. He came to set things right and to be our guide when we feel that tug in the other direction. Then I am reminded that everything he does and leads us to is because he loves us and the choice is so clear.

Here's the deal, I've tried it my way. I mean I really tried, I gave it my all. Spoiler alert; it ended badly. The more time I spend living this life the more I realize that in every season he has been faithful. His way has always led me to a life full of love and fulfillment.

My takeaway is this; there is still something inside me that wants the opposite of what God does at times, but he lives in me. The goal, then, has to be less of what I want and more of what he wants for me. That my desires and my thoughts would be aligned with his. That my life would be a display of his love and his goodness. And while not free of mistakes, full of examples that show his never wavering faithfulness.