Unknown

Recently a friend and I went on a last minute camping trip to a location neither of us had ever heard of. Neither of us are campers nor had any idea what we were doing. Another friend of ours was supposed to come with us to help but he had a last minute crisis and was unable to come. 

We had quite a few set backs in getting ready but we were both determined to go come hell or high water. By the time we finally set off it was around 2am and the campsite was a good two and a half hours away. 

As we drew near to our location Siri prompted us that we needed to prepare to park our car and walk the rest of the way. It was pitch black outside and with a look that said “you have got to be kidding” we both decided that death alone would remove us from safety of our vehicle. The headlights were enough to light the road but not our peripherals and as we drove we found ourselves on the edge of a drop off on a dirt road clueless as to what was around us. We were beyond exhausted and decided to park and sleep for a couple hours until the sun came up and we could find a place to pitch our tent. The environment wasn’t eerie because we could see something scary but rather because we couldn’t see anything at all. Our whole drive had been in the dark and we had no idea what our surroundings looked like. 

We were experiencing a fear of the unknown, once the sun came up we saw that what we thought was a drop off was actually a small hill leading to a beautiful reservoir and on the other side were mountains lined with tall magnificent trees. It was gorgeous we just didn’t know that in the dark. In the dark, unknown wilderness our imaginations were allowed to run wild and the worst-case scenario was an imminent possibility because we didn’t know any different. 

Life is full of unknowns: 

“What will happen if I break off a relationship that is suffocating me?” “What will it look like if I trust God to heal my heart?” “Will people still love me if they really know what I’ve done?” 

These are all questions I wrestled with in the beginning stages of my healing and it was terrifying. We know what is behind us, we know exactly what our past looks like and the roads we have walked, we even know what our future looks like if we continue along the road we have been on. It’s easy to say, “I know what I have been and I know I don’t want to go back there.” It’s a lot harder to take the next step and say, “I am willing to go into the unknown where anything could happen.” It is one of the scariest steps we will ever take in this life but I can tell you from experience that it is the most rewarding, life giving journey you will ever take. 

On the other side of the darkness is finding a surrender that makes way for freedom and healing only possible through complete and total brokenness. Just like that reservoir it is beautiful and it is magnificent. You will be afraid, that’s unavoidable; the key is to keep walking anyway. There comes a point in desperation where the fear, however deep, is outweighed by hope for a healed heart. You’re also going to mess up; just prepare yourself for that now. There will be days when you feel like it’s too hard and you can’t go on any longer, this is where community is so important. Having people you can call on and say, “Help me, talk me down because I’m at the end of my rope.” 

Even still it’s a choice you have to make, you can choose to keep walking even when it’s hard or you can choose to go back to what you know. Just because you choose option two some days doesn’t mean you have failed. Be honest about where you are and what your heart is feeling. I still have to make a conscious effort to check in with my heart and ask myself how and what I am feeling. My heart is being healed but it’s still very fresh and I still have a long way to go. The key is to keep moving forward, it’s ok to stop and take a break for a minute but don’t stay there. 

It’s hard but you can do it and you’re not alone, you’ve got this girl.