Renew

"I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions such as they are don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time." -Paul (Romans 7:17)

A little while back I was talking with my pastors wife about my struggle with wanting to be different. There were days when it was a lot and it seemed like the way I used to think and act just wouldn't go away. She said something in that conversation that will stay with me for the rest of my life, it went something like this...

"Jess, this whole time you've been in a season of change. That's what it's always been about; changing your heart, changing the way you see yourself, the way you see God, everything you've ever believed. It's a complete transformation and that takes time."

Renewing the way you think, the way you speak about yourself and your actions takes time. We tend to revert back to what we are familiar with when things get tough. When I have thoughts about my past affecting my future or I start reverting to past comfort zones I have to stop and remind myself that's not what I want and that's not who I am anymore. 

The words your speak over yourself are a huge part of this. You will never be able to change the way you think if you don't first change the way you speak. In my lowest times I have found that if I speak life and truth over myself and my situation my thoughts usually follow. Even if you are saying something you don't really believe yet, but you want to, speaking it has power. Your words are so powerful so don't use them as a weapon against yourself and don't ever let anyone else use them as a weapon against you. There were people in my life I had to separate myself from because they were speaking things to me that were the very things I was trying to get healing from. 

For me this was not an overnight thing. It was a couple years of transforming the way I saw everything. It was a daily struggle between who I wanted to be and who I was. It was waking up with the best intentions and then blowing it every day. I'm not saying I took the easy road here but every one of those days was a step closer. When I was in it, too close to see the progress it felt like daily failures. Now that I have the ability to zoom out a bit I see that it was the consistency of coming back, even when I didn't feel like it, that made each day an important piece to the puzzle. 

Reading scriptures is key in this process. I'm going to be honest, when I first started this journey I hated reading the bible. I always fell asleep and I didn't see the point. My mentor basically told me to suck it up and do it anyway because I needed it. She told me even if you just read a verse, a sentence, it's getting into your heart. So, when I remembered, I would read here and there. As my heart changed I began to see it differently. Its so rich and there is so much goodness throughout. I would still rather throw on some music and find God there but I see the value in scripture and it's something I enjoy reading now. 

I can't put my finger on the exact day and it's still a work in progress but I am a different person now. There are still days when I struggle and I have momentary panic attacks about how I ruined my life (I'm semi dramatic), but it's temporary I don't live there. I understand now that there is grace for those days and God is always more concerned with our hearts than our "progress". 

Renewing, transforming your life takes time and it's work. It's scary and painful. Stick with it. Changing the way you see yourself is never easy. Believing that you have more to offer than what you have previously given is never easy. Living in a world where people still see you one way even when you aren't that person anymore sure as hell isn't easy. It's hard, really hard, but it's part of discovering who you were meant to be and redeeming what you used to be. People won't always get it and some won't believe you have changed. That's ok, it's not about them. It's about being ok with where you are, and wherever you are you're ok just keep moving.