Numb

"Numb the dark and you numb the light." -Brené Brown

You know that limbo between awake and asleep? Where fog covers reality and vivid dreams often live. You are aware that you're dreaming, slices of the outside world come and go but you feel nothing. There is no pain here, no expectations, no purpose... it simply is. Sometimes there is even a struggle to come to the surface where reality is in an effort to escape the in-between, yet it always seems just out of reach.

For a few years this is where I lived. I felt nothing, no pain, no anger, no joy, I simply was. I was living in fog that was kept in by all the walls I had built keeping everyone else out. In an effort to stay in control my life had spun out of my hands completely and I was spiraling. I didn't learn this until later but the problem with shutting down emotionally is that it cannot be contained to one area. With time it seeps into every nook of our lives leaving us hopeless and unable to function. Sure, it's possible to save face for a length of time but the damage will manifest in other areas. Relationships, work, school... something with break and bit by bit things start to fall apart.

By what would look like a chance encounter to an outsider, I met a woman who I started having coffee with once a week. She would ask me how I was feeling and after digging as deep as I could manage my response would be, I don't know or I feel nothing. Week after week as she would listen to my story and I would listen to hers, my walls began to slowly (and I mean very slowly) fall. By shutting everyone else out I had also shut out myself and I had to relearn who I was. It was hard, it was ugly and it hurt but eventually I was able to feel again.

It came like a flood, all the mess that I had been shoving down for all that time made its way to the surface and it wasn't pretty, but it was good... it was right. I had been afraid of what my emotions would look like, how my feelings would feel and the daunting idea that I might not make it out in one piece. It was hell but I never imagined the freedom that waited for me on the other side. The fogginess broke up and made way for a sharpness and a focus that helped me see not only who I was but also the people around me.

Living shut down, living numb, living in haze is not what your life is supposed to be. You were made to walk in clarity and wholeness. Don't be afraid to go deep babe; its not fun, it hurts and its really hard but you're strong enough to take it. Write, talk, sing... do whatever it takes to try and feel your feelings. It takes being intentional and at first it seems impossible but the more you work at it and the more often you go there the easier it gets. Find someone you can trust and let them in, it's ok to start small. Don't be afraid to ugly cry and don't be discouraged if you don't ugly cry. There's no formula, there's no right or wrong way to feel and remember you're not alone, never think that you are alone. Even now I have to make sure I don't check out during difficult times. I have some amazing people in my life who can usually pick up on it before I do. It is so easy to go back to what we know, to what's familiar. The important part is to push through the pain when you get there. There is so much waiting for you on the other side, you just have to be willing to go find it.