3.23.15

There is something I talked about in my last post that I need to come back to. It’s something that I have been struggling with all week and to be honest it’s put me in a more vulnerable place than I have been in a long time. It’s the idea that God is good. The other day I found myself fighting with God in the shower. I knew my argument wasn’t valid and I knew what I was saying didn’t make sense but I was so angry, hurt and confused I didn’t want to understand what He was doing I just wanted things to be ok. Once I stopped talking to take a breath I felt Him say, “you say I’m good but do you really believe it?” I will never forget that moment because for the first time in awhile I questioned God. My answer was “I don’t know.” My head knows you are a good father who loves His children more than I can even comprehend but my heart doesn’t understand it. My heart is breaking for the people I love and I don’t know if it believes that you’re good.

I think sometimes we say things because we know it to be true in our heads but when it comes down to it if I really believed in my heart that He was good, all the time, I would trust Him completely. I wouldn’t be afraid to come to him with the things that are buried deep in my heart, I wouldn’t be terrified He was going to take away the things in my life I care the most about…but sometimes I am.  I would be lying to you if I said I figured it out. At this moment it is a day-by-day, at times hour-by-hour battle. It’s an exhausting emotional roller coaster that has left me physically, mentally and spiritually drained. My heart is exposed right now and there are days when it feels like it’s being crushed from all sides. But God is not a silent God and He isn’t afraid of our questions. I began to look back at my life and in every single circumstance He proved Himself.. There is not an event or tragedy that He didn’t work out for my good. There are 4 scriptures that I have been leaning on this week. The first is my all time favorite:

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out-plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.” Jeremiah 29:11-13 

There are times when I’m at my lowest and all I can remember is “I know the plans I have for you, I know the plans I have for you, I know the plans I have for you.” Over and over again. 

The others are:

“A thief is only there to steal and kill and destroy. I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of.” John 10:10

 “I don’t think the way you think. The way you work isn’t the way I work. For as the sky soars high about earth, so the way I work surpasses the way you work, and the way I think is beyond the way you think.” Isaiah 55: 8

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves… that is why we can be so sure that every detail in the lives of those who love Him are worked into something good.” Romans 8:26-28

All 4 of these verses are capable of standing alone but when put together I found so much comfort.

God, I don’t understand it, my mind cannot comprehend what is going on in my heart but Your ways are greater than my ways. I know that bad things happen because there is a very really enemy who has made it his mission to do everything he can to crush Your children, and he’s good at it. But You say, anything he does to you I will use for good. You work all things together for my good, even if I don’t always see it right away. Your plans for my life are good, You are a good father, every single step You have laid out before me leads to good things. You know where I’m going before I do and You are with me through it all.  

He has been and always will be the same, He is faithful even when we are not, and He is good even when our hearts don’t feel it. When I feel that doubt come into my mind the above paragraph is what I speak out loud. There is so much power in scripture and your words are capable of life and death. Speak life over yourself and to your doubt. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring but no matter what He is good... sometimes my heart just needs to be reminded.